My hand turned me down
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
