Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
