Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
