Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
