there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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