Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
