the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
