i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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