So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
