I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
