Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
