I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
