3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
