I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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