i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
