it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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