I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
