I think I just saw someone hide a body.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
