pop tarts are not kleenex
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
