when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
