Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
