I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
