I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
