you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize