I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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