please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
