the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
