don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
