I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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