well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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