Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
