The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
