This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
