you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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