Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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