just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
