Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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