This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
