Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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