dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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