Why does Corona taste like a burp?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
