Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
