I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she told me i tasted like america
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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