wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Still dying that you shit outside
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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