i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
