I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
