Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
