She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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