my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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