Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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