A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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