they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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