god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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