ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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