im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
