If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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