You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
