I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
